Screw You Life…I’m Making Soup

What do you do when you have an infected tooth in need of a root canal, a veritable shit load of nasal and chest congestion and a general feeling of malaise? MAKE SOUP.

This is sort of a riff on my mom’s version of French Onion Soup, with some traditional Bloody Mary flavors added. I like to drink low sodium V8 juice all dolled up like a Bloody Mary sans the vodka so that also somewhat inspired this.

Bloody Mary Soup

1 – 28 oz can of whole, peeled plum tomatoes

1 – 14.5 oz can of diced fire roasted tomatoes

2 little tubs of Knorr homestyle beef stock (these are like little jello shots of flavor)

7 cups of water

3 bay leaves

2 small onions, diced

2 tbl olive oil

generous drizzle of worcestershire sauce

small drizzle of honey or agave syrup

generous drizzle squirt of sriracha sauce

granulated garlic, salt, pepper – to taste

the juice of one freshly squeezed lemon.

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Directions

In an appropriately sized stock pot, sauté onions in olive oil until well caramelized…practically melted. In an Oxy-fueled haze, forget that you have onions cooking and really caramelize a few.

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While this is happening, blend the two cans of tomatoes really well in a food processor or blender.

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Add tomatoes, water, stock shots, bay leaves, worcestershire sauce, pepper, sriracha, honey and garlic. Skim any burnt onions off the surface (or, you know just claim you meant to do that when you serve the soup). Simmer on low for 1-2 hours.

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Finish with the lemon juice before serving with garlic toast, grilled cheese or crackers.

Open mouth, shovel in food.

(wow. these photos truly suck the big one…that last one looks like filthy dish water. HOOOOOOOOOORK)

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Oink Oink Cluck

After spending far, faaaar too long online perusing various techniques for egg boiling and peeling, I managed to boil 4 3 eggs and get them peeled with little difficulty. Boiling & peeling eggs is simple…but not. I have yet to land on a foolproof technique that doesn’t have me peeling half egg with the shell with at least one of the eggs in the batch. Today I used this method, tomorrow I will try a different approach and I may even make – *gasp* – soft-boiled ones.

I started with 4 cold eggs, two from one carton and two from another (only because one carton had just two left). None were freshly laid but had instead been languishing on a grocery shelf for who knows how long before I purchased them and then allowed them further slack in my own fridge. I also use only eggs from a local farm where the hens are not treated like little caged, feathered invalids and shot up with antibiotics. Only pasture roaming, antibiotic free chickens, please. I know this might sound ridiculous to some, but I find the flavor to be better and I have far fewer digestive issues with such eggs.

Next I added said eggs to a medium sauce pan, covered with lukewarm water, added a pinch of sea salt and a splash of Chinese black vinegar. I think ideally I would use white vinegar here, but I happen to be out of it for some reason. I have every other kind of vinegar imaginable but not the plain old distilled white. I thought the black vinegar might impart some of it’s rather assertive flavor into the eggs. I was not wrong. The addition of the salt and vinegar to the boiling water is to not only help prevent the eggs from cracking while boiling, but also to help the white not leak out should they crack and to also help facilitate the peeling process. I hear baking soda can take the place of the salt for this too, but I didn’t really want to make my pan of eggs a volcano experiment.

I then proceeded to place the pan on high heat and left it until the water had achieved a full rolling boil At that point I set my timer for 2 minutes. At the end of the 2 minutes, I quickly removed the pan from the heat, covered it and let it sit for another 11 minutes. After wresting the now sealed to the pan lid (steam is a wondrous thing) off, I proceeded to drain and rinse the eggs a few times with cold water before allowing them to sit in an ice water bath for 3 minutes more.

At the end of this process I was rewarded with 4 3 beautiful eggs that had peeled nicely. We shall not talk about the 4th egg…the one that when I tried to peel it I came away with a hand full of white and shell…the egg I called several choice words before pitching into the trash. Well, I did save a few bits…those went to the cat*. I realize I could and should have eaten it, but I felt it had let me down so grievously that it did not deserve that honor…and I was pissed.

Having originally set out to boil eggs to use for green salad toppings this week, I suddenly had an urge for egg salad so my brain shifted into recipe creation mode. This is the result:

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Spicy Pig Egg Salad

3 hard boiled eggs, peeled and grated (yes, grated)

1 tbl swedish mustard (I use this killer stuff from Ikea called Senap Mild. It has a snappy horseradish bite but is also a little sweet)

1 tbl mayo (you can def use less or use all mustard if you do not like mayo at all)

1-2 tbl pickle relish (sweet or dill, it matters not. I think I would have liked dill, but all we had was sweet)

1-2 tbl bacon bits (depending on how piggy you want to get)

a squiggle squirt of Sriracha (squiggle squirt is too an acceptable measurement…fuck off)

salt, pepper, garlic and dried parsley to taste

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Directions

Really? Do you REALLY need directions for this? Simply put, mix all the shit until it is mixed and schmear on bread. Simple as.

Smear on white bread and serve on a paper plate for maximum White Trash Chic.

Spicy Pig Egg Salad

*I swear I didn’t dig the egg out of the trash then give it to the cat..no really. (coughcough)